How do we prepare our daughters to be teenagers?

Fourteen and pregnant was Kim’s story nine years ago. Being a mom at the age of 22, I cannot imagine being a mom while being practically a baby myself. Some of us are fortunate enough to have supportive boyfriends, husbands, or family members, but for Kim that was not the case.

Kim found out that she was pregnant at the age of 14. She delivered her daughter five days before her 15th birthday. She came from a family of young parents, so when she found out she was pregnant no one really questioned it. This life was expected in her family. Her boyfriend at the time was 18, and when he was told the news he acted as if he wanted to be a family.

During the time that Kim had gotten pregnant, her boyfriend was living with them, Kim was not on birth control, nor were they using birth control as a couple. At such a young age it is very understandable that Kim believed she really could not get pregnant. Who knows that much about their body and about sex at 14?

Due to her mom’s rocky relationships, Kim was forced to move away from her boyfriend, and in turn, Kim did not have much of a relationship with him until after her daughter was born. When her daughter was just three months old, Kim had the revelation that she had to get her life together because she was going to be alone on this journey: the father of her child had up and left, leaving her daughter crying on the couch.

One of my biggest fears for my daughter is how will I ever prepare her to be a teenager. I honestly think preparing our daughters to be a teenager is the first step in preventing our daughters from becoming teen moms. When do I have the infamous “talk” with her? At what age is appropriate? What age is too soon? What will I say? How will I get through to her what I am trying to say?

I don’t want her to ever struggle. I don’t want her to miss out on anything.

How am I going to get her to listen?

I asked Kim how she is going to handle “the talk” with her daughter as well as what age she feels is appropriate. Kim’s advice is that mothers and daughters need to have a strong and open relationship. Her daughter is now 8, and Kim says just last week they had a discussion about how her body will soon be changing and what to be prepared for. As her daughter approaches 14, Kim plans to make sure her daughter knows to always have respect for herself. She also wants her daughter to know that just because she had made some questionable decisions in her past, that doesn’t mean that she has to make the same ones.

At 14, who thinks about becoming pregnant? Pregnancy should be included in your discussion when you decide to have it. Make it real. Explain to your daughter that regardless of what she thinks, it can happen to her. No one could ever truly understand how hard being a parent can be until they actually are one, but try your best to explain the dedication and time raising a child involves. Talk about what she’ll be missing out on if she became pregnant. Being a teenager is supposed to be fun. It’s supposed to be carefree. Being a teenager is about being spontaneous, going out with your friends, and being “young and dumb.” All of that becomes nearly impossible to accomplish while being a parent.

Think about yourself at that age. What were you like? The only thing I was worried about at 14 was falling in love and living a fairytale, and regardless of what the adults in my life told me, I truly believed I was going to marry my crush. You know, the phrase “boy crazy” is a real thing.

It’s important to remember that in their eyes, the love of that first crush is real. Don’t treat it as a joke or it will likely make your daughter feel stupid for talking to you about her relationships. As Kim said, keep your relationship strong and open. Don’t be judgmental.

Personally, at 14 I had not been warned about “love.” I think one of the biggest mistakes parents make is losing touch with their inner teenager. Of course now we look back on our high school relationships and see how invalid they were, but in the moment we never once thought that way.

Talk to your daughter about sex. Tell her how sacred and amazing it can be when it happens with the right person. Warn her not to devalue it by jumping the gun and doing it with someone she thinks may be the love of her life. Remind her that she is only 14 and she has so many years ahead of her to find the right guy. Tell her that when she grows up and truly finds her soul mate the last thing she wants to do is look back and think, “I wish I would have waited.”